My thoughts on spammers (With apologies to Tennessee Ernie Ford)

The scansion’s not bad, though a little forced at times; but I think many a person probably sympathizes with the below. Also published in rec.music.filk and alt.callahans. Permission is granted to reproduce if you let someone know who did it first….

16 Tons of Spam
— Bruce Alen Klaiss

Sung to the tune of “Tennessee” Ernie Ford’s “16 Tons”

The Net I think is okay for commerce ‘n trade
But not for the kind from a new kind o’ jade
A new kind o’ jade, with a conscience that’s gone,
A mind that’s weak and a gall that’s strong

Download 16 tons
‘n whaddya get?
Some Trojans, worms, virii
And ways out of debt
Dumb spammer, don’t you bomb me
’cause I won’t grow
I’m overflowed in my POP3 store.

I logged on one mornin’ when the sun didn’t shine
I booted up Eudora and I started to mine
Downloaded sixteen tons of number 9 spam
And the damn fool said, “Well, there’s more in my can.”

Download 16 tons
‘n whaddya get?
Some offers for enlargement
O’ your credit card debt
Dumb spammer, don’t you queer me
’cause dial-up’s too slow
I’ll mung my mail to put you out in the cold.

I signed up for broadband, thought I’d process it fast
The spammers found out, like some snakes in the grass
Signed in the next mornin’, with my filters turned on,
Found “penile enlargement” out to hell and gone

Download 16 tons
‘n whaddya get?
Some offers for webcams
Trained on sexy Yvette
Dumb spammer, don’t you jam me
Or the bandwidth will blow
I’ll burn your rear if my ISP folds

“If you see me comin’, better step aside
A lotta spammers didn’t, an’ a lotta them died”
“I heard it before,” the spammer just said
“If you backtrack my headers, here’s a cut o’ the bread”

Download 16 tons
‘n whaddya get?
Some chances for millions
From Nigerian vets
Dumb spammer, don’t you ping me
’Cause I won’t troll
You’re outta luck if you make the Net fold.